monday

today is a day i seriously feel like 'throwing in the towel' whatever that means. it's just not working out; not flowing; not happening. and it feels like it's been this way for a week or longer. i am very jumbled in my head. i'm starting to see the need for me to do two things, right away: 1. narrow it down 2. set goals. this is nothing new to myself but it just seems that the ideas will keep rolling and rolling and never really substantiate. and i don't have time for that.

having an installation and film is great idea but i think it might be too much/more than i can feasible and successfully do. i'm thinking of eliminating the film aspect. as much as i really enjoy working with film and the camera i am starting to feel like it is a different project and my commitment to making images, paper, and space is starting to feel like a stronger pull.

one good thing is i feel fairly confident in what the imagery is. i have that already. as far as how it is displayed and which images will be transferred to the walls, which will be transferred to paper/cloth hanging from the walls and which will be made into photographs. i feel slightly stressed out by the space right now because mike has so much stuff in there and i am uncertain as to where his things will end up. the space determines how the work will look. and on the other hand, it is much about reacting to what is there as to making for the space.

i definitely want piles of things. one idea is to take a pillar i made and stack wrinkled papers on top of it and then as it gets very high i will put a piece of fishing line through the center of it and attach it to the ceiling--creating a very, very tall pile of papers. to me this is symbolic of the process of working, mess making, and reminiscent of the victims of the holocaust.

i'm frustrated right now with the holidays being here--i'm not interested in them--i feel like i don't have time for them, and yet it is the very idea of what i'm working on that relates to this. that people are the most important things. so let's see if i can live up to my own theories.

other frustrations are in my working methods--and play between printers and software and programs and chemical reactions--things that take time to learn, mistakes to build confidence and time, time, time.

i'll keep working...